Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
