Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
worst night to have a conscience
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
