Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
