I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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