Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
