I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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