We're facebook friends in real life
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
