so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
