It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
