It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
