i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
