I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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