You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
