I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
