Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
