I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
