If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
