So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
