He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
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His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
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got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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