my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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