He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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