Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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