He felt like a one man threesome
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
