Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We had to coat check the pizza.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
