"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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