I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Success! We fucked roommates!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
