Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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