I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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