i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
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