____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We named our party play list daddy issues
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
