is your mom at the bar?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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