I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
