i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
