I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
