dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
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Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?