Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
