After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
