Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
