I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
