I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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