If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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