Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
