i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
