i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
