there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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