Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
