you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
