I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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