i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
