BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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