i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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