I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
