Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
