I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
