just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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