I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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