My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
