please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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