I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
